Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I am a Hedge Fund Accountant

Well, I had a few minutes so I thought that I would use this time to inform all of you people out there on what transpires at my job on an almost daily basis. I’m referring specifically to the one asshole that I constantly have to deal with because he has no idea what he is doing.

For those of you that know and for the ones that don’t, I am a hedge fund accountant. Don’t ask me what it is, because it takes too long to explain. All that you have to know is that I work with: a lot of money, large banks, and the clients. Mind you, I wonder how most of these people even get the jobs they are currently at, but that isn’t here nor there.

So, the reason for this diatribe is to vent, vent about this guy at work that has been doing this kind of hedge fund accountant work for 16 years. Keep in mind that this guy and I worked at the same shop prior to this one, and I had the same opinion of him then as I do now. He is completely fucking retarded and shouldn’t have been able to have children, because they will surely grow up to be just like Daddy.

Every day I say to myself, "man, if this guy asks me one more fucking question about the things that he should already know about hedge funds, i am going to punch him right in the ear." Not so much to injure him, but just enough to make him run away holding the side of his head — because lets face it, that shit would look funny. But let me be serious here, I have only been doing this kind of work for 2.5 years, and I can safely say that I shit all over this guy with the stuff that I know. Kinda sad, but totally true. This guy knows less than I do.

So what i mean by "he doesn’t know shit, and he annoys me more than anyone ever," is that he pawns his shit work onto other people and says, "I am a hedge fund manger and I shouldn’t have to do this".. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE GUY. In order to be an effective hedge fund manager, you have to be able to check the work, which means you should know how to do it, which means at one time you should have done it. This guy just throws shit at his underlings. Which is fine, but when shit goes pear shaped, and he can’t figure it out, guess who they come to. Yea, me mutha fucka.

So, on a daily basis, he asks me questions, and I dutifully answer them. This is because:

A. I feel a need to embarrass him by answering him loudly and slowly, as though I were addressing a non-english speaker or someone with an impairment of some kind.

B. I feel that everyone should see this jerkoff in action, particularly management.

The fact of the matter is, is that i never mind helping people, but when you are in a position of authority over other people, you should be able to know the answers to these questions hands-down.

So, that is it for now. As it stands, when this guy gets back from disney land, (i shit you not) he will have a nice surprise waiting for him. No, not me in the corner of the office ready to strike him in the side of the head with a coke can, or my knuckles; it’s a new hedge fund that he is going to have to oversee. And man is this one all fucked up. SO, good luck guy, time to see if you can swim in the shit sea you’ve created for yourself.

Man does this guy suck as a hedge fund manager.